


I’m In Love With A Man Who Loves Someone Else

by Moshi516



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:48:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24606460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moshi516/pseuds/Moshi516
Summary: I'm in love with a man who loves someone else.(Please check notes at the beginning and take a reverse route if any of the matter mentioned is not up to your palate)
Relationships: Akanishi Jin/Nishikido Ryo, Nishikido Ryo/Ohkura Tadayoshi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	I’m In Love With A Man Who Loves Someone Else

**Author's Note:**

> One side feeling for a few characters involved. No happy ending for one pairing. No worries, no cheating involved, no destruction of any honorable character. No death. Just a bunch of people trapped in a mess called love.

**I’m In Love With A Man Who Love Someone Else**

_I’m in love with a man who love someone else and he thinks I didn’t know._

On variety shows and concerts, I know he always has his gaze turned towards me. But I rarely return the gaze, because each time I stare into his eyes, it feels like it’s someone else he’s looking at in my face. So I avert my gaze, pretending not to know that those loving gaze is not meant for me.

_I’m in love with a man who love someone else and sometimes I wonder if he’s aware of it._

I came home to a song that is not familiar to me but the voice is of someone I used to know. It’s not my preferred type of music and ironically, it’s not Ryo-chan’s preferred type of music too despite him being the one who plays it. Ryo-chan always hates auto-tuned voices, says it takes away the uniqueness and actual beauty of a voice. I closed the entrance door and the music suddenly shuts close and the sound of a demo music of some sort starts playing.

He look out of his music room and smile gently and said, “Oh, welcome home! I was working on our music!”

I swallowed and mustered up a smile and showed the grocery bag on my hand. I wonder if you know your gentleness that I know is not the love that I yearn for, is hurting me badly?

_I’m in love with a man who loves someone else and that makes him cruel without meaning to be so._

I came home to a tiny Christmas date dinner. A nice Christmas cake on the table and meals on the table. You rarely cook but you can cook well, it’s just that I like cooking so you usually leave it up to me. I know you know that I’m not that interested in celebrations. But I know you don’t know that I know… that someone else really like this sort of celebration.

I put up a smile and we sat down and after a few sip of wine, you start to talk about an encounter you had with PDA couples when you went out to eat with your friend and his wife and kids. And I wonder, if it hurts you being with them as much as it hurts me to hear you talk about him to me. But your face shines, and you seem happy from the bottom of your heart, an expression that nowadays I couldn’t raise out of you.

_I’m in love with a man who loves someone else, and he burn himself out trying to love me._

I gradually see you getting worn out keeping with this charade. But you don’t think it’s charade. You think you really love me but you wonder why you feel like it gets harder and harder to keep up with all this. And I think you came to conclusion that this love had came to an end when it had never really been love in the first place. Once again I wish you’re a cruel man or isn’t such a man of honour. And then you’ll easily come to see that you are actually in love with someone else. Some one else that you know since we’re kids. But someone who’s already happily married with kids. Or you know it but you couldn’t accept it because there’d be no happy ending to that love?

We sit and discussed our next step out. There’s no flying accusations, no words of anger, no exchanges of punch. Just words from two exhausted, work out men who knows this relationship can’t be saved anymore. But we’re denying that in our heads and said to let’s just take a break first, while we think this through. And so I left for Osaka, with excuse of training the Kansai juniors.

The rest of the members are aware that there must be a problem between the two of us that got me fleeing to Osaka because it doesn’t make sense for me to fly into the arm of a city where someone actively stalks me. Hina convinced me to allow one of our oldest manager and the one of the manager I'm closest with to stay with me the whole time, he said at least, for his own peace of mind and I said yes, tiredly.

_I’m in love with a man who is in love with someone else and he couldn’t deny himself anymore._

What is it with new years that always make people feel like they can turn into a new person or some shit like that? Regardless of the year, it really is just a change to another day. Maybe that visit to the shrine on new year had given you a new strength and resolution because as I accepted your call while having the manager settle the hospital outpatient discharge procedure, you told me to let’s break up.

So I swallowed my words that I have just broke my leg and just said, “Okay.”

The manager turn his body towards me after finishing signing the forms and payment and said with concern, “Your expression look pretty bad. Did it hurt worse? Do you want me to call the hospital staff to have a look at you again?”

I shook my head and said I really just want to sleep this day off already and the manager laughed and said, “Yeah, it’s a pretty spectacularly bad start to a new year!”

A spectacularly bad start indeed.

Now, I’m safely in my hotel room in Osaka, taken my bath in whatever limited way I could and now sitting on the bed. Who knows that the act of wearing pyjamas, and walking from the bathroom to the bed can be such an adventure before. As usual, with my dislike towards artificial lights, the only light in the room is the light from tv.

And then my phone lights up. It’s Yasu. I ignored it the first time he called. Let him think that I’m asleep. I’m not sure that I want to worry him in his state. But then he call again, and again, and again. And now I am worried instead so I answered the call.

And he said, “Hi! How are you? Don’t do that to me! I got worried when you didn’t answer my calls!” He said with anger that is so gentle and kind that the only reply I could give are tears. I couldn’t utter out any words. My chest is hurting from all the years of my pent up feelings and my throat is clogging up and pushing down the words I want to say. And the next time I know, Yasu said he’s coming to me. I want to said no but my mind is just a mess of incoherent thoughts. Is it the painkiller’s fault?

True to his words, exactly 30 minutes later, he came into my room in all his waist support cushion glory with key he got from our manager. His father was standing behind him, looking at me with concern and then said to Yasu that he’s leaving and to just call him and he’ll fetch Yasu up tomorrow.

I think I should said sorry or thank you. I think I am embarrassed for the trouble that a man in his 30s like me gave to my bandmate and his dad but the only thing I feel with crystal clear clarity at that moment was pain, and pain and pain. Yasu closed the door, saw my leg in plaster but he didn’t say a word. He just hugs me and I just cried and cried.

_I’m in love with a man who loves someone else and he looks at me with a worn out face._

The main reason I didn’t want my broken leg to become a news was to prevent him from knowing this. I know he’s a kind man. And that’s exactly his problem. As long as I hide in Osaka monitoring the kids concert, he wouldn’t find out. But then I forgot about Janiben filming.

And I instantly see the pity and concern in his eyes. And he’s so gentle and attentive and helpful and it all hurts me even more. Because I know it doesn’t come from a place of love that I yearn for. Don’t do this to me. Just…. Don’t. I push and push him away and one day he told me with a low voice that he knows that he shouldn’t have told me this while I’m still in pain like this but… it’d be unfair to me because the rest already knew it that he’s not renewing the contract with the agency anymore this year. He’s…. leaving for good.

I want to be angry, scream at him and maybe throw a punch a him because a few months ago, he said he would lead us and I believed in that but I couldn’t do so because I look at his face and I see how worn out he look. He's done. He's done for good. And I bow my head and said, “I understand.”

_I’m in love with a man who’s in love with someone else, and now he’s happy._

Sometimes, I go through SNS to check out fans ideas and opinions and thus, saw some of them repost or share your latest works or projects. And I saw you with him, the man that you love and you look so, so happy. I know you’re a man of honour and thus, you’ll stay in your status quo with him, best friends, because he’s a married man who loves his wife. I think you’re a man with a huge heart, to be able to be that happy and satisfied just being by his side.

It’s something that I couldn’t do. I couldn’t be happy loving someone who loves someone else.

I’m working on moving on now and I do feel lighter letting you go but there’s time when I see your smile on the screen and wished that I could have put such a sincere from the bottom of heart smile on your face. I wished that you look at me the way you look at him, leaving me with no doubt that it’s me that you look at.

I wish that you see from the very beginning that it’s him that you love so that I wouldn’t have hoped at all in the first place.

I wish, that I didn’t fall in love with you in the first place knowing from the very beginning that you love him.

End.


End file.
